Is this a Steak which I see before me,

T-bone toward my hand? Come, let me eat thee.

I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

Art thou not, fatal steak, sensible

To feeling as to sight?

Macbeth, Act II, Scene 1.

I had a dream that I awoke suddenly and decided I had enough. I wanted to eat. But it was not just anything that I wanted to eat. I wanted Steak! I went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. There was nothing in it but the nicest steak you have ever seen. I got it out and put the oven on broil. I heard a voice and it said that this steak was special and needed to be on the grill.

The next thing I was sitting in Ruth’s Chris steak house. They brought me a potato and sat it in the middle of the table. It was raw and had dirt on it. I made a comment to the people I was with that I thought they showed you the food they were going to prepare but I did not know they gave it to you raw.

The very high classed waiter came to my table with one of those crazy silver platters with a big cover on it just like you would see in the movies. He sat it down in front of me and pulled off the cover and said, “Tada!”

I heard a woman gasp and I heard someone say, “I know he ordered rare but this is crazy…” I looked down to see the reddest steak I have ever seen. I picked up what surely was the biggest and scariest knife and fork in the history of the world and prepared for my delicious first bite.

Suddenly the steak stood up. It had legs and arms and the cutest face you have ever seen. The eyes looked at me in fear and the little steak turned and ran. It hopped off the table and ran out the door. I got up and ran after it.

I was running and running and the steak was pulling away from me. I was suddenly in shorts and a tank top and I had this number tagged to my shirt. I looked at it and it said New York Marathon. I stopped and turned and looked at my reflection in the shop window that I happened to be running past. Wow! I was thin… I was handsome. Boy those are great arms! The legs aren’t bad either. It was a new me. The me after Optifast. I was so impressed. My gray hair was gone and no more salt and pepper. Just thick curly brown hair. Oh, and my eyebrows. They were not mixed with this wiry stuff that seems to be taking over my real eyebrows. Man — I am really… — Hey, that steak is getting away.

I ran and ran and, you guessed it, ran — but the steak got away. It was not meant to be. Besides those eyes and the mouth. I am not sure I could have really taken a bite. I sat down tired and dejected. Boy, I really would like a steak. I was so tired I thought I would just lay down and rest. I closed my eyes, but within seconds I felt a finger on my shoulder. It was poking me. “Leave me!”, I thought. Then I thought, “Hey maybe it was the steak.” I realized that something really was poking me. My arm was telling me — someone is poking you — Wake up!

I sat up with a start. I saw something in the room in the dark. Something in front of me. I screamed…. Ahhhhhhhhhh. The little figure in front of me screamed…. Ahhhhhhhhhh. We both screamed…. Ahhhhhhh. My wife woke up and yelled, “What is it?”

I heard this little voice coming out of the dark, “Daddy, you told me to wake you up if I was scared.” I thought for a second, “Is this a trick by the steak?” Then I noticed my scared little girl looking at me with the widest eyes I have ever seen. My wife said, “Jesus Ed. What the heck?”

“Ah, poor girl, I am so sorry. For a minute there I thought you were a steak.” I grabbed her and twirled her into the bed with my wife and I. “Daddy”, she said, “This diet is making you crazy…”

“I know,” I said, “I know I am a little crazy these days, but hey, it is working. I am losing weight.”

We all drifted back to sleep.

  1. I hear they are doing wonderful things at mental hospitals these days. 😛


    Don’t catch that steak. Let it go and keep dropping away the weight. You have done great. Keep at it. 😀

    The Grumpy Man

  2. You know there are times that you really feel crazy on this diet. Foodmares are tough! They seem real! I didn’t chase a steak though. Glad you didn’t catch it or harm your daughter.

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