Happy Birthday to [insert name here]…

Deep into week 3 of Optifast — the full fasting diet.

I have been true to the shakes for almost three weeks now. Optifast does have soup (if you can call it that) and some diet bars (yuck!). I prefer to look at the whole thing as medicine to keep me alive. I prefer to have a “Food Timeout”.  I don’t have to prepare it or touch it or deal with shopping for it — It is a complete food holiday.  And the shakes are medicine… Just plug your nose and move on.  I know those of you who are on Optifast that are reading this must be thinking of all those great recipes to make Optifast better. You can add ice and flavorings and extracts.  Look folks, that just makes more of it to try to get down.  No sir. For me, I just swill it down and try not to throw up.

So it was a very busy week and weekend for me.  I had several nights where I had to stay up all night.  For those of you who do not know, I trade currencies for a living and the two that I trade the most is the Euro and the Yen.  With what has happened in Japan, I have had several sleepless nights.  Then the weekend came and I was incredibly scheduled with kid events.  The topper for the weekend?  I had to attend a kids birthday party.

Kids birthday parties are always full of Pizza and Cake.  I survived the Pizza pretty well and I brought a shake to get through it all.  This was a pretty active birthday so I was expected to run all around and stay pretty busy. Then finally the cake —

I remembered how “Diary of an Angry Fat Woman” (See Link on Left) had stared down the most amazing Carmel Cake recently. I thought to myself, if she can stare down that cake, I can surely stare down this one. I mean this is chocolate, not my favorite, and had pretty whipped frosting, again not my favorite.  Besides who wants to see a large adult fat man push all those kids out of the way and throw himself on a birthday cake?  There would be some pity by those that think it is incredible that I have gone three weeks without eating solid food (Are you hungry? You must be very hungry? Is this good for you?). But honestly no one likes to see kids knocked around even if the double half gainer would have scored a 9.8 at the olympics.

So, I kept busy and served the cake. I felt proud to be one of the “in thins” that rejected the cake. I just said, “No thank you”. One woman actually said that Cake made her break out in a rash and so she has to say no. I mean come on…. Just say, “No Thanks…”

I made it through again.  One shake at a time. One day at a time.  Tomorrow is the big weigh in…

O Beer, how I miss thee…

OLIVIA What’s a drunken man like, fool?
CLOWN Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third drowns him.
Twelfth Night (1.5.127-30)

Shakespeare knew all too well a man’s love of his beer. In Shakespeare’s day there was Ale (beer made with a top fermenting yeast).  Everyone including the Queen herself drank the brew made from malt. There was a mini brewery in every house. Shakespeare’s father was an official ale taster in Stratford.  This was an important job which involved monitoring ingredients and taste by companies or professional brewers that serviced pubs and ale houses. Regular old beer eventually became more popular that ale, but it would take more than a century for plain old beer to overtake it.

I am on Day 8 of Optifast. It started out kind of slow and I had a headache for much of the day. I never have headaches so I was kind of surprised. I drank lots of water as the Optifast book tells you — close to 80 ounces — but I could not shake it.  I had some coffee thinking it may be a caffeine headache but it still did not go away.

By the late afternoon, my kids had some playdates over, and my wife was entertaining some close friends.  Out came the chips, the salsa, the guacamole, the popcorn and the beer.  Yes, the beer.  I must tell you that I do not miss the food. In fact, I welcome the break from the hassle.  It is a hassle to do all the work associated with eating. Right now, I go to the refrigerator and I pick out a lovely Vanilla or Chocolate shake.  I have some 5 calorie NO SUGAR and NO FAT Jello in there for emergencies.  I have quite a collection of gum.  I love Club Soda — so I have a bunch of that as well.  But right now it is so easy not to think about food.

But there they were drinking beer! Beer is different. It was the water of my fat self. It has been 8 days since I have seen one. Eight days since I smelled beer. A long time in my life. I see the bottles being cracked open with the opener. I see them being poured into those long neck glasses that I bought when we were on vacation in San Francisco. The bubbles and the foam. And finally there it was — the smell in my nose – BEER!

My head swirled and my headache pounded me.  I heard voices but I was not sure if they were directed at me or not. I could not take my eyes off the beer.  Eight days ago, I would have started right now and it would have continued until I put the kids to bed.  I would drink at least 4 beers a night — 6 if it was a long night. Seldom did a day go by that I did not drink a beer.  This was my life just a few days ago.  My head again pounded.  I staggered to the back to my bed.

I laid on my bed and discussed with myself how bored I was.  I mean this is going to be 16 weeks of fasting and maybe 16 more of re-feeding. What a term. How much longer must I be separated from my beer!  This is just so unfair.  And why does my damn head hurt so much?

In my dream I was on a ship. The ship carried me past so many incredible islands. These are what I think the islands of Hawaii look like. The islands that I will visit with my family in April on Spring Break.  I felt the hot sun on my back and the breezes flowing over me.  I was talking to the captain of the ship. I was telling him how I had lost 100 pounds just to come to Hawaii with my family.  He was pointing and telling me things but I could not hear him. I realized my headache was gone. We flowed past islands grand waterfalls.  If you looked closely the waterfalls were flowing Optifast — Vanilla, Chocolate, and Strawberry. It was an incredible sight to my eyes. Finally, I heard the captain say we were close to our destination. We passed one last waterfall.  It was flowing fast and as the water hit the ocean it foamed and bubbled.  It was a waterfall of — BEER!  It was so beautiful and incredible at the same time.  I wanted to find out how to get there.

I awoke in my bed with a start. It was a dream. I must have lost my mind. My head it was much better. In fact, I felt great. Like I had been on a great trip and had sat in the sun. I got up and put on some shoes. I could still hear the women talking. I knew the beer was flowing.  I walked out of the house and down the driveway. I took what could have been the longest walk of my life. I just needed to get away. I needed time to think.

You know each and every beer I put into myself was about 200 calories. I must have gained so much of my weight from beer.  The acid reflux I used to have at night had to have come from all that beer. While it is something that I really liked the taste of, I realized on that walk that I had lived for 8 days without it, and that I was going to live many more without it.  Do I need it?  Can I do this and give up the beer?

As I walked I realized that this was not just now or for the next 16 weeks.  There will not be any more beer for me. I know, I know, I can have one every now and then once this is over. But do I really want to do that? No. I realized I need to let beer go.  I gave it to the universe. I released it from my heart, my mind which I now believed was pounding for it, and my soul. I release you beer.  You are free to go. I no longer need you. I not longer want you.  I want my new body. I want my new life.

It was there on the streets of Charlotte that I gave beer up forever. I no longer feel like – O Beer, how I miss thee. Shakespeare knew all those years ago — I was like a drowned man, a fool,  a madman. I will no longer be a drunken man.

O Beer, now I release thee…!

Popcorn with Extra Butter!

Today was movie day. My two kids were begging to go see Rango. So we went to the 4pm show.  I took and Optifast before we got there. I had one in my wife’s purse for an emergency and I had one in the car for after.  Believe it or not, I made it through without eating anything.  I did have some Diet Coke but two of those a day are allowed on Optifast.  There was no way I drank two of those.

I did smell the box of popcorn and it smelled great but I was not tempted to eat any of it.  It is really true that once you are on this diet and committed you just do not want to cheat or eat something.

I got to thinking about what I would have eaten if I went there two weeks ago. I would have eaten a whole bucket of buttered popcorn.  I know this because we always got the biggest one… We got EXTRA BUTTER please. Then I would eat most of it and send my kids back to get a free refill of both diet soda and the bucket of popcorn.  When we were done both buckets were empty.

Now I have two regular sized kids. They are really great and do not have a weight problem (So far, Knock Wood).  So I know they barely ate anything out of those two big buckets. But let’s just say I ate one. According to Diet Bites they say that a large bucket of buttered popcorn is just about 1,650 calories.  I would have got home after the popcorn and Diet Soda and said that my stomach was bothering me and I would have had a big dinner on top of it.

Here is the photo booth picture of them after the movie: (I figured I could splurge on the picture since I had saved all the money on not buying junk for me to eat!)

I sat there in the dark with my kids and figured out each time I went to the movies it had to be close to a 5,000 calorie day.  But today I had my gum, I had an emergency Optifast shake if I needed it, I had some tic tacs and I had diet soda.  So it was a calorie free event for me.  — And it was fine.

When this is all over, and I go to the movies with my kids, I need to look back at this post, and I need to go with the same equipment — gum, tic tacs, diet soda and perhaps a backup protein or some fruit and veggies. You can go to the movies and watch and not collect close to 2,000 calories just sitting there watching…

All in all, it was a great weekend, and the week will start strong tomorrow.

Tuesday’s weigh-in comes ever closer.

Enter the Mind of the Zebra!

What happens when you have a Business Breakfast and you are on a liquid diet?  You can make a plan. You can call ahead and explain the situation. You can cancel and live the life of the hermit.  I prefer to enter the mind of the Zebra…..

That is the situation for Day 3. I had a business breakfast and I really had to put some thought into it. I knew that there were going to be five people at this breakfast and one of them was a financial expert flown in from NYC to talk to a group of local investor types like myself.

I really did not want to cancel the meeting.  I did not know how the very thin executive at Bank of America would react when I called him to tell him that I was newly on a liquid diet and could not eat at the breakfast. I tried hard to make a plan. So, my decision was to go to the breakfast and to order coffee. I could either say I already ate or I could say that it was too early for me to eat or some kind of excuse like that.

When I arrived at the breakfast at the very posh “Zebra” restaurant in Charlotte, NC, I found four very stuffy shirt types in their monkey suits already there.  They were already deep in discussion. It seemed mostly about Oil and the Middle East. I took my seat and the waiter immediately turned over my coffee cup and poured me coffee. Well, at least that is on a starvation diet like Optifast. I also asked for a glass of water right away.  I thought that was a good plan in case things got hard watching everyone eat. I could do the old trick of swallowing a glass of water and trying to fill up.

I really started to feel the pressure to order right away. Everyone I think had already ordered. I had arrived a little late and I thought that might be a good strategy: Arrive late and say I already ate.  But I could tell that this was not going to work. I searched my mind as to what to do. I thought maybe to explain that I woke up and I have an upset stomach and I would rather not eat, but then why go to the meeting? — and who drinks coffee when they are sick but eats no food? So things were getting tougher and tougher.

The waiter came up and stood right next to me. The Bank of America Executive said to me, “We have already ordered, Ed. Go right ahead.” I quickly said, “What did you order, Tim?” He said the first thing on the menu. I said, “I will have the same.” The waiter said, “Wheat toast and Turkey Sausage?” I quickly said yes.

Well, I had really done it now… What was I going to do… I quickly thought, well it is only day 3 why not just taste everything or eat a little. How will it matter?  And then I thought, you know, if I do this now, what will keep me on this diet?  I have 16 weeks of complete shakes. Then I have 16 weeks of refeeding or maintenance. What makes me think if on Day 3 I can’t handle a Business Breakfast that I can successfully fast for 16 weeks?

So the conversation went on and the expert from NYC went on about commodity prices and oil and Obama and healthcare and Dodd/Frank and how about those lawmakers in Michigan — I interrupted — Wisconsin — what? — it is the lawmakers in Wisconsin — oh yes right — and on they went again. 

My panic was setting in. In a few minutes I would have sitting in front of me two eggs over easy, two slices of wheat toast heavily buttered, a cup of grits with butter oozing over the sides, and some kind of potatoes that were chopped up seasoned with “stuff” and then put on a griddle with butter, lard, oil, whatever.  I really had no plan but to eat it slowly and only a little bit of it.

I finally thought, here we are at Zebra Restaurant, let’s get into the mind of the Zebra.  What would a wild Zebra in Africa do? Here it is with a pack of other Zebras. But they are all thin Zebra’s with really nice stripes. Here I am a Zebra whose gut is hanging on the ground. A Zebra whose knees and ankles and shoulder hurt when it tries to get up and run.  A Zebra who is wearing 4X stripes from a Big and Tall catalogue that look cheap and seem tentish for no reason. All the other Zebras are at the watering hole.  They are drinking and eating exotic grasses and such.  It is sunrise in Africa and the early Spring harvest is bountiful. They are all eating, drinking, and talking about the American Tourists who will surely be by in their Safari Jeeps to take pictures later. But I am not eating. I am on a starvation diet. To try to get my stripes back to the same as the other Zebras. But they are having a good time and they surely will ask me to partake in the morning pleasures. What would the Zebra do? What would the Zebra do?

Then I thought, that has to be the dumbest thing I have ever thought of. What the hell would a Zebra in Africa have to be on a starvation diet for? And how many calories can exotic grass have anyways??? I must be losing my mind on this diet.

Back to square one.

The food arrived.

I stared at it…

I kept staring at it.

Finally, I had it… I stirred things around. I cut and moved stuff on my plate. I took the toast and broke it into pieces and made it look like I was eating it… I took the grits and poured some on my plate… I stirred the grits around with the potatoes and eggs and sausage. I made a big mess.  Then I started talking. I entered the conversation and I did not stop until breakfast was over.  I looked around and some at cleared their plate. Some ate some things and others left more. Some had a mess like mine. I might have looked a little out-of-place. Someone may have thought I may not have eaten much but I was talking most of the time. They came and took the plate and I had not eaten one thing on it.  I had some fun moving stuff all over the place and I know my mother would say something about kids in Africa, but I made it through.

The waiter picked up the plates and he asked me if everything was “okay”. I turned and looked at him and said, “Perfect. Thanks.” He took it away. I felt soooooo much better.  I will tell you that I was not hungry. I had one of my shakes out in the parking lot before I went in. I knew what I was up against and really I did not feel hunger once.  I would have sat there and ate that breakfast and for what? It must have been close to 1000 calories. It wasn’t incredible. It was just a regular breakfast (although they serve Illy coffee and if you have never had that — that is worth it!).  Bank of America paid for it.  It was a waste of $11.95 and the next time you get billed for an overdraft, I thank you. I did waste a bunch of food. But I was able to have a Business Breakfast without the fear of having to reveal the horrible fact that I am on a quest to lose 200 lbs. and that I am on a starvation diet — all of this on DAY 3!

Next time I think I will be strong enough to just order coffee.  Maybe when I accept the invitation I will send it back saying that I plan to only have coffee and arrive a little late. No one will care honestly. Why do we fat people care so much what others think about us? Why we are scared to eat in public or to even attend these kinds of events? I felt it for so long and today I was finally able to release it. I don’t care. I am on a journey to lose 200 lbs.  This journey cannot be stopped by people who have $11.95 breakfasts or get me to the point of wasting food.

Today was in incredible learning experience. I hope I can apply it to after the fast. I know, I know, one day at a time. But will it not be great to sit in a restaurant some day and not eat everything on my plate and not care what anyone thinks and to be who I am? When you have a Business Breakfast, some people eat everything on their plate, some eat some things on their plate, and some (wink) eat nothing on their plate.

Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken

I have had my two cups of black coffee.

I drank 3 quarts of water so far.

I had 3 of 5 of those lovely Optifast shakes.

And because I am a Stay-at-Home Dad, I just finished cooking the Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken for the kids for dinner tonight.  I volunteered to get on out of here right after and take my son to fencing class. I am trying a new “Get Active” tact. Get out there, get active, and get away from the kitchen.

It was actually not that hard to walk away from it… I remembered my motto:

“One Shake at a time… One Day at a time…”

And I remembered how great I will look after this is all over…

So, I set the chicken down and I slowly eased myself backwards out of the kitchen and I sat down with a glass of water and a lovely shake of the Chocolate Variety!